How many times has this
happened to you in a relationship? After it blows up, and you’re sitting there
with your broken heart trying to figure out what went wrong, it pops right into
your head -- he said he would never get married, he said he wasn’t
ready, he said he was too afraid of getting hurt… He told you these things,
perhaps more than once, and you didn’t hear it.
If this is a
pattern for you, you need to break it, so let’s take a look at this from the
Emotional Intelligence standpoint.
First of all, many
times when I use the term “emotional intelligence” to men who aren’t familiar
with it, they laugh and say there’s no such thing, or that it’s an oxymoron,
i.e., the two can never go together. I’ve never heard this from a woman!
Right there is a
key point. Men are not as easy with emotions. They tend to confuse pure sexual
attraction with “love.” When they’re ‘on point’ as I call it (you know, like a
bird dog who’s found the treasure), he isn’t thinking. He’s likely to be what’s
called “flooded.” Chemicals and hormones are rushing around that preclude
thinking. If you’re in the same state, who’s listening?
yourself for the dating scene. Know who you are and what you want. If a man
comes along who gives you a real zing, stop and think. Take a look at who he
is, and how he’s living his life at this time. Find out what you can about his
history and do it early on.
One thing you can
count on, in the early days of romance men are much freer about what they will
tell you. The love chemicals kind of grease the brain and they say lots of
lovely things, but also will “blurt out” very informative things – things you
need to hear, and to keep in mind.
After her 13-
month relationship with Tony broke up, my client Alison told me that early on,
when they were off on a lovely vacation, Tony had told her something she should’ve
paid attention to. They were dancing at a beach bar in Cancun, the sun was
shining, there was laughter and music and margaritas all over the place, and a
lot of beautiful woman (besides Alison), and he had laughed and said, “One
woman would never be enough for me.”
It took Alison 13
months to live this out and find it was true. When she was ready for a
commitment, she got nothing but stalling. Eventually she caught him dating another
woman, and at that point she couldn’t ignore reality any more. He had said one
woman would never be enough for him, and yes, he had meant it.
There are times
when we all say things we don’t mean. In fact it comes up early in dating when
we start to feel like getting serious and maybe are having a little case of the
nerves. Dating at midlife, we don’t get to approach a clean slate like we do in
our 20s. We step into the current of someone else’s life and there’s what we
call “baggage.” But at the same time, this “baggage” gives you the opportunity
to see what the person’s history is. It’s best to keep in mind what you know
will work for you, and what won’t, and to stick to it when the emotions are
Let’s take the
example of male fidelity. However you feel about this intellectually, you know
in your heart whether you can tolerate it or not. So let’s say it’s on your
list of “must haves” that you want a man who will be faithful. When you meet
someone, no matter how attractive he is, before you fall head over heels and
the flowers and sweet words are warping your thinking brain, check it out.
Find out his history. Ask
around, look around. Give it some thought, and get some coaching to see what’s
a pattern in his past, and what’s a mistake he’s been able to learn from. The
more you understand about how the male brain works, the better the dating and
the better the eventual partnership.
yourself from the emotions, and take a cold, hard look at how things are in the
present. Notice how he acts when he’s with you, and how he treats you; not just
what he says, or promises. Get some help and guidance with this, because it’s
You need to know
what you’re getting in for before you’re in deep water. In response to our
extensive research and interviews with women about “the other woman,” we
started a very discrete investigative and coaching service with this in mind.
Most women find it’s best to do this at arm’s length, and let someone else with
a clearer head and experience do the work and provide some direction. There are
certain clues that can tip you off ahead of time, and “a stitch in time, saves
9.” In this case it can save your heart, time and energy, all of which are
important. Important also, is that it can save you adding negative “baggage” to
your own scene. Know those women who are in to “male bashing?” Stick with the
good guys and you won’t have to go there.
Intuition is a
major part of EQ. If you’re hearing things, or seeing things that send off an
alarm, don’t ignore them. Take action while you’re still thinking clearly. The
longer you stay in a relationship, the more likely you’ll get into your own
head and get confused; that’s what “love” is all about.
You don’t want to be “sadder but wiser”
again, do you? Use your EQ and start dating the emotionally intelligent way –
using both your head AND your heart.
Susan Dunn EQ Coach
©Susan Dunn, The EQ Coach, helps women find and keep the relationship they dream of. She is the author of “Midlife Dating Survival Manual for Women,” http://www.webstrategies.cc/ebooklibrary.html and other ebooks about life, relationships and emotional intelligence. To find out more about coaching, Internet courses, discrete investigative service and ebooks to improve your EQ and find the relationship of a lifetime, visit Susan at http://www.susandunn.cc .
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