I've made a mistake and need help. You see, I've been with this girl for
three months and she is totally into me, but I've grown tired of her. I have
already cheated on her 3 times and I want to find a new girlfriend.
I think I have found her. I have 3 candidates but I told the one I like
most that I broke up with the other girl already. Big mistake! I haven't
actually broken up with her, but I will. Here is a problem: My girlfriend and I
have been invited to this very special party that all my friends will attend
and I really want to got to. The problem is that it's in 3 weeks! The worst
thing is that my girlfriend and the new chick know each other!
Should I wait until the party, break up and get with the new girl or
break up now and try to get a new girlfriend? If I get burned on the first
option I'll be out with a lot of people. If I break up now and it does not work
out with the new girl then I will be alone. What should I do? I NEED HELP FAST. Thanks a million.
There's an old saying, "Don't piss in your own backyard",
meaning don't create problems too close to home, or they may come back to haunt
First, I'd be very careful about "finding a new girlfriend".
It doesn't seem that you're really in a place to have a committed relationship
- that's not a critique by the way, just an observation. If you've read my book
or my articles, you know that I don't particularly advocate monogamous,
committed relationships unless that's exactly what you want - and you're really
ready for them.
You might want to consider your motivations here. Why do you want to be
with just this one girl? In the book, I talk about how you can't
"own" another person - just like your present girlfriend doesn't
"own" you. If this is your goal, I suggest you re-think it. You've
been sleeping with 3 other women; why not just enjoy that variety and the
This gives you another advantage regarding the party - if you're not
"committed" to someone and you're just dating around, you can bring
anyone you want to the party. Oh, by the way, you didn't tell any of these
girls that you were seeing them exclusively did you? You don't want to lie to
them, but you don't have to show your hand either; as long as everyone is
comfortable with the situation and you're being sure that everyone's feelings
are being considered!
To answer your specific question, if you're ready to breakup with
girlfriend #1, don't wait - get it over with. You don't do her or yourself any
good by hanging on. This is one thing I keep promoting: if you're going to have
this kind of lifestyle, but a man about it. Don't cause undue or excess harm to
someone just to get your knob polished. Take responsibility for the people
you're with - AND USE PROTECTION! There is absolutely NO EXCUSE for unwanted children or
One last point; I'm concerned that your focus isn't the best. You have a
girlfriend that you haven't really thought about - she's "totally into
you", and you just concerned about how YOU'LL look at the party. Dude, be
a man - you have responsibilities to girlfriend #1 (and, to a lesser degree -
#2, #3, and #4). Until you own up to them and do the right things, you're just
a boy with a man's penis. I can't emphasize enough the importance of taking responsibility for your
actions. This is when you become a man.
Copyright (c) 2005, Dr. Dennis W. Neder
All rights reserved.
For more information about my book, "Being a Man in a Woman's World", visit:
P.O. Box 10702
Glendale, CA 91209-3702
Fax (818) 246-5431
About the author
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Dedicated to advancing the arts and sciences of relationships.
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