I have been with the same
guy for 9 months. He has been married
twice and has 4 children. The first 6 months things were really good. We became
serious and I fell in love with him and I told him so. That’s when things got crazy!
He has never told me he loves me but when I confront him about it, he says he
is scared of saying it because he thinks things will go bad.
The past three months have
been pure hell – a rollercoaster. Three
months ago he ran away scared. I didn't talk to him for a couple of weeks and
then he sent me an email and made his way back into my life. The second time he
just stayed away for a week. I phoned him and we were okay again after
that. He keeps saying he doesn't want a
girlfriend because he doesn't want to get close. After the second time he started to go to
counseling. He was doing really well
until last Sunday when the same thing happened again! This is a pattern for him. He will probably call again once he gets out
of his gray period, and I want to know what you think about this situation.
This sounds like a
rollercoaster for sure!
Many women have all sorts
of hang-ups too. For men, the #1 hang-up is commitment. This is because
commitment has such a negative connotation for us. For you girls, it means
security, future, marriage, etc. - in short, all of the good things in the
relationship. For us, it means responsibility, problems, time away from our
work and friends, and a lack of freedom. I'm sure you've heard all this before,
but try to put yourself in a guy's shoes. Try to imagine what we go through.
Believe me, those words; "I love you" are important to you, but
terrifying to us!
So, let's look at your
particular situation. First, if he isn't willing to commit to you, there really
isn't much you can do. From your description, this sounds less like a simple
fear, and more like a religion! You said he's been in counseling for this, but
not whether he still is. If so, you're going to have to realize that it's going
to take some time - possibly a long time, to get over it all. Your real
question should be "can you wait"?
Unfortunately you can't own
another person - even through marriage. You can't set goals for him, nor can
you make him do anything he doesn't want to do. If your goals are a stable,
comfortable relationship with a guy that's at ease with telling you his
feelings, this guy may not be the one for you.
On the other hand, if
you're willing to wait (possible a long time), and willing to live with someone
that doesn't want to commit, and won't tell you that he loves you; this guy's a
My point here is that
you've got to decide what YOU want in your life. You can't base it around what
someone else does or doesn't do. I understand that this "on-again,
off-again" relationship is driving you crazy and you've had good things in
the past, but don't use THAT as a yardstick of the future. As I tell people all
the time, don't listen to his (or her!) words – watch their actions!
One last thing you might
want to do. *If* he calls, and *if* he's still in counseling and *if* he agrees
to it; you might want to contact his counselor and get a professional opinion
on this guy. That's a lot of *if's*, but *if* these things come to pass, you
might gain great insight into his particular situation (and your possibility
for a future). However, I wouldn't count on these things. Decide what YOU want
in YOUR life and make them happen for YOU!
Good luck, much love...
Copyright (c) 2005, Dr. Dennis W. Neder
All rights reserved.
For more information about my book, "Being a Man in a Woman's World", visit:
P.O. Box 10702
Glendale, CA 91209-3702
Fax (818) 246-5431
About the author
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Dedicated to advancing the arts and sciences of relationships.
Start having the relationships YOU deserve!
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