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She Doesn’t Need Another Girlfriend!

 By Dennis, Dr. Neder
 "Being a Man in a Woman's World"

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I read your article "What are your goals Girl-Friend or girlfriend?" and it relates to my situation. I met this girl a couple of years ago in an art class, the signals were clear that we were both interested in each other. We went out a few times but I always held back from becoming too intimate or talking about the possibility of being boyfriend/girlfriend because she was leaving the country in a month.

She invited me to visit her overseas, gave me her address and number and asked me to write. We wrote for a few months before I decided to go visit her. I knew I was interested in her but was afraid of falling in love for the wrong reasons, so I decided to go but not cross the line with her – no sex, no kissing, etc. I wasn’t my usual self when I was there – very reserved and not talkative. She invited me to sleep in her bed with her but I was again adamant about not crossing my line so I didn’t try anything.

After my vacation was over and I was leaving, she tried to get me to tell her how I felt. I was still afraid not really knowing how I felt yet and having no more time with her. My feelings for her grew and I decided I really liked her and needed to tell her. So, I wrote her a letter. I called and we spoke about it and she was very angry. She was frustrated with me not opening up. She said my last chance was when I was there and it’s too late now.

I was planning on going back to see her unannounced with flowers on New Years Eve to see if I could change her mind. A friend of hers got wind of this and tipped her off. She wrote back ending the relationship and told me not to call her because she doesn’t see me as anything more than just a friend. I hadn’t heard from her for about 7 months when a letter arrived out of nowhere. We started casually writing again. She told me she was planning to come to the states that summer to visit, and would be staying with a girlfriend of hers.

When she arrived, we went out. We had a wonderful time, talked and laughed but only as friends. We spoke on the phone after she went back to her country and explained my reasons for not crossing the line. She told me she still sees me as a friend however. I still feel that I want to be with her. My plan is to build intimacy, trust and closeness through email and phone calls.

Her birthday is coming up in December and I am thinking of contacting a friend of hers to have her arrange a surprise party and I’d show up and surprise her. What do you suggest?

Hello Bobby!

My brother, I'm sorry to tell you - you totally pussed out! If you care to know, I can tell you exactly what she's thinking - she was hoping for a boyfriend, and she got another girlfriend instead. In fact, that's exactly how she's treated you after you went to Europe the first time. Sorry to be so harsh, but someone has to. It might as well be me. You have totally bought into the "feminization of men" that I talk about so much in my interviews, books, and articles.

Bobby, I get letters every single day from women complaining about the same things you've done. Women DO NOT want men that are "sensitive", "take it slow" or "spend time getting to know them". They want strong, confident men that have a direction and are willing to make things the way THEY (the men) want them to be. Women have had to take the relationship lead for the past 35 years or so, and frankly, they aren't happy about it. Believe me, they tell me this all the time.

This girl isn't happy about your choices either. If you DO put together the surprise birthday party, don't YOU be surprised if she shows up with a boyfriend! I mean, how much do you expect the poor girl to take? Short of jumping on you she did everything else. Why wouldn't she go the "extra mile"? Because, she was disappointed with the idea of being in a relationship with someone that couldn't make any moves - let alone even the first ones! You've made just about every mistake I can think of, and a few new ones. If you ever want to have a future with women, you've got to get this problem solved.

Bobby, again, I'm sorry to be so harsh, but you've got to get this mistaken (and misplaced) sense of respect and courtesy corrected. You haven't done her any favors, nor have you done yourself any. No wonder she was so angry with you! This doesn't mean that you shouldn't be respectful when dealing with women, but you've taken this so far to the extreme it's ridiculous! You'd better get some direction. Unfortunately, it isn't her job to "make the moves" - it's yours. That's the way it is. She's given you every possible opportunity to make them, and you've ignored each one.

So, what should you do? First, drop the "falling in love with her for the wrong reasons", and "to build intimacy, trust and share" plans. Yes, I know that's what "popular media" says you should do. My brother, you've been watching too much Oprah, and the Lifetime Network. Women are just as confused about what they want today as men, so at least you're in good company. But, you can't use THEIR messages as an example of how to deal with relationships with them! Fathers and older brothers are supposed to help you get this understanding, but too often, they either aren't in the picture, or have bought into all of this crap themselves. Think of me as that older brother that's here to help - finally.

To be honest with you, I doubt you have any more chances with this girl. If she ever gives you another chance, consider her that Saint of Saints! Frankly, you're better choice is to find someone local and begin pursing them with all the problems solved.

I also believe that you have another issue going on here - fear. Why did you choose so difficult a target as someone living overseas? Are you thinking about moving there or hoping that she'll move here? She has a life there, just like you do here. I doubt she's going to up and leave her friends, her family and her life to rush off to the States and be your buddy.

I think that you've been afraid to make your move for fear of rejection. What if she turned you down? An even bigger question is, what if anyone turns you down? It's going to happen, if not now, in the future, so what are you waiting for? Get moving! Meet some new girls and start getting numbers.

I often give this advice to men: if you've got problems being afraid of rejection, don't look for "yes's", look for "no's". What do I mean by this? Set a goal for yourself to get 3 "no's" from women every week. Actively try to seek them out. Why would any sane guy want to do this? Because, you are special, my friend. However, you are not SO special as to fail every single time! Scattered in amongst those "no's" are going to be a bunch of "yes's". Go back and re-read this paragraph.

Here's a quick summary of these thoughts:

1. Get your head on straight about women - in short, get your testicles back in your pants where they belong, and stop trying to make them do all the work to protect your ego. You've got to get into the game – don't sit on the sidelines!

2. Get your "relationship plan" completed, (you'll learn all about this in my book), and get your "seduction knowledge" up.

3. Get your relationship life on track - get numbers and start dating! Stay with this girl as a friend, but don't invest everything you have in her. I doubt you have any further chances.

Bobby, I know I've taken this in a different direction than you expected. However, the problem isn't in HER reaction to YOUR actions - it's in YOUR philosophy. Until you get this corrected, you're never going to have anything going on with this woman, or any other. Please mull over this and let me know what you think.

Good luck, much love...

Copyright (c) 2005, Dr. Dennis W. Neder All rights reserved. Remington Publications For more information about my book, "Being a Man in a Woman's World", visit: P.O. Box 10702 Glendale, CA 91209-3702 (818) 246-2058 Fax (818) 246-5431
About the author
uthor of: Being a Man in a Woman's World
Dedicated to advancing the arts and sciences of relationships.
Start having the relationships YOU deserve!
Got a love, relationship or man/woman question? I answer all letters. You
can write to me at
for answers. For more information about my book, "Being a Man in a Woman's
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Article Overview
Because, you are special, my friend. However, you are not SO special as to fail every single time! Scattered in amongst those "no's" are going to be a bunch of "yes's".

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