I read your article
"What are your goals Girl-Friend or girlfriend?" and it relates to my
situation. I met this girl a couple of years ago in an art class, the signals
were clear that we were both interested in each other. We went out a few times
but I always held back from becoming too intimate or talking about the possibility of
being boyfriend/girlfriend because she was leaving the country in a month.
She invited me to visit her
overseas, gave me her address and number and asked me to write. We wrote for a
few months before I decided to go visit her. I knew I was interested in her but
was afraid of falling in love for the wrong reasons, so I decided to go but not
cross the line with her – no sex, no kissing, etc. I wasn’t my usual self when
I was there – very reserved and not talkative. She invited me to sleep in her
bed with her but I was again adamant about not crossing my line so I didn’t try
After my vacation was over
and I was leaving, she tried to get me to tell her how I felt. I was still
afraid not really knowing how I felt yet and having no more time with her. My
feelings for her grew and I decided I really liked her and needed to tell her.
So, I wrote her a letter. I called and we spoke about it and she was very
angry. She was frustrated with me not
opening up. She said my last chance was when I was there and it’s too late now.
I was planning on going
back to see her unannounced with flowers on New Years Eve to see if I could
change her mind. A friend of hers got wind of this and tipped her off. She
wrote back ending the relationship and told me not to call her because she
doesn’t see me as anything more than just a friend. I hadn’t heard from her for
about 7 months when a letter arrived out of nowhere. We started casually
writing again. She told me she was planning to come to the states that summer
to visit, and would be staying with a girlfriend of hers.
When she arrived, we went
out. We had a wonderful time, talked and laughed but only as friends. We spoke
on the phone after she went back to her country and explained my reasons for
not crossing the line. She told me she still sees me as a friend however. I
still feel that I want to be with her. My plan is to build intimacy, trust and
closeness through email and phone calls.
Her birthday is coming up in December and I am thinking of contacting a friend of
hers to have her arrange a surprise party and I’d show up and surprise her.
What do you suggest?
My brother, I'm sorry to
tell you - you totally pussed out! If you care to know, I can tell you exactly
what she's thinking - she was hoping for a boyfriend, and she got
another girlfriend instead. In fact, that's exactly how she's treated you after
you went to Europe the first time. Sorry to be so harsh, but someone
has to. It might as well be me. You have totally bought into the
"feminization of men" that I talk about so much in my interviews,
books, and articles.
Bobby, I get letters every
single day from women complaining about the same things you've done. Women DO
NOT want men that are "sensitive", "take it slow" or
"spend time getting to know them". They want strong, confident men
that have a direction and are willing to make things the way THEY (the men)
want them to be. Women have had to take the relationship lead for the past 35
years or so, and frankly, they aren't happy about it. Believe me, they tell me
this all the time.
This girl isn't happy about
your choices either. If you DO put together the surprise birthday party, don't
YOU be surprised if she shows up with a boyfriend! I mean, how much do you
expect the poor girl to take? Short of jumping on you she did everything else.
Why wouldn't she go the "extra mile"? Because, she was disappointed
with the idea of being in a relationship with someone that couldn't make any
moves - let alone even the first ones! You've made just about every mistake I
can think of, and a few new ones. If you ever want to have a future with women,
you've got to get this problem solved.
Bobby, again, I'm sorry to
be so harsh, but you've got to get this mistaken (and misplaced) sense of
respect and courtesy corrected. You haven't done her any favors, nor have you
done yourself any. No wonder she was so angry with you! This doesn't mean that
you shouldn't be respectful when dealing with women, but you've taken this so
far to the extreme it's ridiculous! You'd better get some direction.
Unfortunately, it isn't her job to "make the moves" - it's yours.
That's the way it is. She's given you every possible opportunity to make them,
and you've ignored each one.
So, what should you do?
First, drop the "falling in love with her for the wrong reasons", and
"to build intimacy, trust and share" plans. Yes, I know that's what
"popular media" says you should do. My brother, you've been watching
too much Oprah, and the Lifetime Network. Women are just as confused about what
they want today as men, so at least you're in good company. But, you can't use
THEIR messages as an example of how to deal with relationships with them!
Fathers and older brothers are supposed to help you get this understanding, but
too often, they either aren't in the picture, or have bought into all of this
crap themselves. Think of me as that older brother that's here to help -
To be honest with you, I
doubt you have any more chances with this girl. If she ever gives you another
chance, consider her that Saint of Saints! Frankly, you're better choice is to
find someone local and begin pursing them with all the problems solved.
I also believe that you
have another issue going on here - fear. Why did you choose so difficult a
target as someone living overseas? Are you thinking about moving there or
hoping that she'll move here? She has a life there, just like you do here. I
doubt she's going to up and leave her friends, her family and her life to rush
off to the States and be your buddy.
I think that you've been
afraid to make your move for fear of rejection. What if she turned you down? An
even bigger question is, what if anyone turns you down? It's going to happen,
if not now, in the future, so what are you waiting for? Get moving! Meet some
new girls and start getting numbers.
I often give this advice to
men: if you've got problems being afraid of rejection, don't look for
"yes's", look for "no's". What do I mean by this? Set a
goal for yourself to get 3 "no's" from women every week. Actively try
to seek them out. Why would any sane guy want to do this? Because, you are
special, my friend. However, you are not SO special as to fail every single
time! Scattered in amongst those "no's" are going to be a bunch of
"yes's". Go back and re-read this paragraph.
Here's a quick summary of
1. Get your head on
straight about women - in short, get your testicles back in your pants where
they belong, and stop trying to make them do all the work to protect your ego.
You've got to get into the game – don't sit on the sidelines!
2. Get your
"relationship plan" completed, (you'll learn all about this in my
book), and get your "seduction knowledge" up.
3. Get your relationship
life on track - get numbers and start dating! Stay with this girl as a friend,
but don't invest everything you have in her. I doubt you have any further
Bobby, I know I've taken
this in a different direction than you expected. However, the problem isn't in
HER reaction to YOUR actions - it's in YOUR philosophy. Until you get this
corrected, you're never going to have anything going on with this woman, or any
other. Please mull over this and let me know what you think.
Good luck, much love...
Copyright (c) 2005, Dr. Dennis W. Neder
All rights reserved.
For more information about my book, "Being a Man in a Woman's World", visit:
P.O. Box 10702
Glendale, CA 91209-3702
Fax (818) 246-5431
About the author
uthor of: Being a Man in a Woman's World
Dedicated to advancing the arts and sciences of relationships.
Start having the relationships YOU deserve!
Got a love, relationship or man/woman question? I answer all letters. You
can write to me at firstname.lastname@example.org
for answers. For more information about my book, "Being a Man in a Woman's
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