get a lot of reader mail. Much of it from women, complains about how men don't
know how to please their girlfriends. I always have the same response - what
have YOU done about it?
many women feel that men should "just know" how to please a woman in
bed. This is just plain ridiculous! I'm convinced that there is no such thing
as a "natural born lover". Making
love is a skill that is learned (for both men AND
women by the way - very few women are really good lovers - men just happen to
be less picky about most of it!) Further, every woman is a brand new classroom.
Often, the things that worked for one woman don't work for another.
the reality: if you aren't getting what you want from your partner - it's YOUR
fault and YOUR responsibility!
Women Don't Tell
women feel that "coaching" their partners would hurt their egos; and
for some this may be true. If so, you may have to be more careful, but you
don't have to put up with a lousy lover! You can broach the subject easily by
first asking him what HE wants. As he's
telling you, make mental notes - you can use the help too, believe me! Women
are NOT natural lovers either. Many, many women just lay there waiting to have
things done to them and then claim that they really know how to please a man.
Sorry sister - it ain't necessarily so!
he's given you the litany of things he likes, feel free to tell him that you
have things you want too. He'll understand and probably want to know more -
much more! If he doesn't, what are you doing with him in the first place?
women feel that he "should just know." How's he going to know what
you want if you don't tell him? Should he just try everything until he happens
upon the thing you really want? That's just stupid. What man is going to spend
all that time trying everything, getting shot down on most of it to try to find
what you want? If you take this approach, don't be hurt or surprised if he
brings home another woman to try a threesome - just in case that's what you
times, I've asked lovers what they do and don't like in bed. The most common
answer is, "oh, I like just about everything!" Hogwash! When a man
asks you this, he isn't interested in your "range" of sexual interest
- he really wants to know what things you enjoy. You should be thrilled if your
lover asks. Many don't know that they should! If you don't know the answer to
this question yourself, you've got some work to do.
You Don't Say It, Don't Expect It!
he hasn't found your hot button(s) and you haven't told him about them he isn't
going to know. Period. You've got to speak up! Women's sexual response is
rather more complicated than men's. Sure, it's easy for YOU to know what YOU
want - but not for him. You've got to drop your guard a little and let him in
on the secret.
you don't need to be concerned by what you say - he's probably going to be
really into anything you come up with. Men are almost always willing to try new
things. As one of my female friends says, "That's why I like men - my
fantasies are their playground!"
Be Ashamed or Afraid
you'd be surprised by how open your man probably is to new ideas. Want to be
tied up and ravished? Most men would jump at the chance! Would you like to get
better oral sex? Most men are very willing to help. Is he too fast or too slow?
Why not say so - but do it in a sensitive, caring way with the goal of
improving your sex life.
have a friend that that had a fantasy about being a slave girl on a ship. She
told her boyfriend who, a few months later rented a sailboat (he was an avid
sailor), and, on a warm summer day, sailed her to the middle of nowhere, lashed
her to the mast, stripped her and ravished her - more than fulfilling her
fantasy (and starting a bunch more!) In fact, it was so good for her, she still
can't stop telling the story to just about anyone that will listen!
man is probably very interested in what turns you on, so frankly, you have very
little (if any!) risk in telling him.
Expect Him to Jump Through Hoops
you tell him about yours, don't set the bar too high. Some women's fantasies
are quite complex, involving props, sets, lighting, etc. For example, if you've
always wanted to join the "mile-high club", don't expect him to rush
out and get his pilot's license so that he can fulfill your fantasy. If you
really want this fantasy to come true, and the bathrooms on those commercial
flights are just too cramped, YOU may have to get YOUR pilot's license, or be
may have to help him along. Oral sex is a good example. Simply telling him you
like it isn't going to get you oral the way you want it. He's likely to just
dive right in. He probably doesn't understand the kind of build-up you need
before getting that most intimate of kisses. Take some time and make him
understand. This is the time to be specific about things - after all, it's your
satisfaction we're talking about here!
You Don't Know, You Can't Tell It
you fantasize? Almost every women asked this question by her man say's
"no", as though it would make her a slut or something if she did. The
fact is, almost everyone fantasizes - and does so regularly. Whether it's while
having sex or masturbating, sitting in class or at work, driving in your car,
or whatever - fantasizing is common - very, very common. So, drop the
embarrassment and fear! There is nothing wrong with fantasizing - in fact most
psychologist feel that it is a normal, healthy way of exploring your own
of the reasons why women are reluctant to discuss they needs in bed is that
many of them simply don't know themselves. Whether through repression,
embarrassment, fear, bad experiences, or whatever, many women never allow
themselves to explore their sexual side. I have to wonder what these women are
waiting for! There is little that makes a person feel so alive as sex. You are
as deeply "inside" as you can get as well as outside at the same
time. Why waste this tremendous gift? I can tell you that your lover doesn't
want you to!
Copyright (c) 2005, Dr. Dennis W. Neder
All rights reserved.
For more information about my book, "Being a Man in a Woman's World", visit:
P.O. Box 10702
Glendale, CA 91209-3702
Fax (818) 246-5431
About the author
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Dedicated to advancing the arts and sciences of relationships.
Start having the relationships YOU deserve!
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