Hi Dr. Neder:
I hope you have
some good advice besides telling me to get over this woman. I'm doing my best
on that (primarily by dating other women), but I really want this woman back if
Here's the story
- it's pretty bizarre:
I was with a
woman for a number years. It was on again/off again, mostly because she would
deal with problems by breaking up. (I never
initiated a break up). Eventually, she would come back again. She wanted marriage
and children and I admit I was afraid of marriage. She would get very emotional
and raise her voice; we lost the ability to communicate about important issues,
especially the topics of marriage and children.
She broke up with
me again late last year. I was told she was very upset, crying all the time. I
assumed she'd be back like always. Wrong - she met a guy, got engaged 3 weeks
later, and married 3 months after that. The man she married was also on the
rebound and it's an obvious case of two lonely people consoling each other.
They are very incompatible; he's not her (or my) equal in any way. It's pretty
certain she married him to get a family, to not feel lonely after breaking up with me and
to show me something -- not out of real love. It's almost certain they will
I've overcome my
fear of marriage, and even proposed to her to marry me before they married. As
I said, she is stubborn and even though it's pretty certain to everyone she
still loves me (and has implied she "feels sorry for him"), she would
rather die than admit she made a mistake and rushed into something.
I love the woman
dearly and, though would not break up her marriage if it were a better
situation for her. I really want her back in my life if possible. Obviously,
sitting and waiting for them to divorce is not a healthy approach. Can you give
me any suggestions other than just trying to forget her?
I'm not going to
lie to you just because you've asked - you deserve better than that. Get over
her. Yes, I know that isn't what you want to hear, but it's the right advice. I
also understand that you're still in love with her, and maybe this is the key
to your freedom from her. I'm sorry, but this woman sounds like a real nut
case. Suffice it to say that, while crazy women are the best sex you'll ever
have, they will cause you nothing but problems otherwise.
You've been doing
the right thing by dating other women. I just hope that you're not spending
your time with them telling them all about this woman. They don't want to hear
that. You might find that focusing on volumes of women will help you get over
one. After all, having a supermarket to choose from will make a single brand
much less important.
Ok, so on to the
"key". Again, you're going to have to get over her. Get out of her
life, and get her out of yours. If you have any property of hers, give it back
- ever single bit. If she has anything of yours, get it back. No more telephone
calls, letters, birthday cards, email, or anything else. You've got to wash
your hands of her completely. After all, you wouldn't cut off a dog's tail
piece by piece would you? Of course not - you'd do it all at once.
Next, spend one
session (no more than 30 minutes) considering what it is about this woman that
has a hold on you. Is it the sex? Is it her looks? Just what is it exactly.
Write this down on a piece of paper - you're going to need it later. Be short
and specific - no more than a paragraph.
One final tip
that will help: carry a rubber band with you. Huh? A rubber band - why? Here's
why: You need to stop the patterns that are making you want her.
These patterns continue to get reinforced every time you think about her with
someone else. She isn't going to leave him for you - and if she does, you'd
better run! So, every time you slip back into thinking about her, take
that rubber band between your thumb and first finger, place it against your
thigh, pull it back and give yourself a nice pop with it.
Does this sound
stupid? Believe me - it works. What you're trying to do here is to associate
the thoughts of her with a negative stimulus - in this case the stinging on
your leg. Be consistent - don't stop until you stop thinking about her.
The final step is
the paper. You should use this as the beginning of a letter to yourself.
Instead of being a sad remembrance of her, it will now become the basis for
your new goal - that of finding someone new. You should spend a few days and
describe the exact woman you want to find. Describe her in detail and don't cut
corners. There is something magical that happens when you commit this to paper.
Describe her looks, her height, her political affiliation, her likes and
dislikes, her family, where does she come from, what does she eat for breakfast,
lunch and dinner, how intelligent is she, what does she read, etc., etc., etc.
Remember to keep that rubber band handy - if you fall back to thinking of the previous
woman, you know what to do!
you're going to have to move on with your life and accept that she is doing the
same. Be thankful for the things you've learned in your association with her
and find someone else that you'll love even more - and that is less crazy.
Copyright (c) 2005, Dr. Dennis W. Neder
All rights reserved.
For more information about my book, "Being a Man in a Woman's World", visit:
P.O. Box 10702
Glendale, CA 91209-3702
Fax (818) 246-5431
About the author
uthor of: Being a Man in a Woman's World
Dedicated to advancing the arts and sciences of relationships.
Start having the relationships YOU deserve!
Got a love, relationship or man/woman question? I answer all letters. You
can write to me at firstname.lastname@example.org
for answers. For more information about my book, "Being a Man in a Woman's
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