What’s up Doc?
I have a friend who I've gotten very
close to in the past few months and I think I'm falling in love with her. I
haven't said anything to her about how I feel because I'm not sure if the time
is right. You see, she was seeing this dude for a while but have since been in
a holding pattern. I don't think they have officially "Broken Up" but
I can see it coming. I love our friendship and would hate to screw it up by
jumping the gun. Do I wait or do I express my feelings? I feel some strong
vibes that she may be interested in me but she won't act upon it. How can I
reel this one in???
Here's a sad-but-true fact: it's easier
to steal someone else's girl than to keep your own!
Of course, this may work to your
advantage, but consider this: if, for any reason this DOESN'T work out, you're
definitely going to lose this girl as a friend. On the other hand, women don't
really make good friends for men anyway. Why not? Because, in most cases,
women's male friends are really just like boyfriends; she'll call to bend your
ear when she's been hurt by her boyfriend, she'll call you to fix her car or if
she needs a ride somewhere, she'll borrow money - in short she'll treat you
just like a boyfriend - all without the sex!
Another thing to consider: While it
may be easier to steal a girl than keep one, by far the most difficult thing is
to turn a female friend into a girlfriend. Why? Because, as her “friend” she
doesn't "see you that way". I don't care what vibes you're getting.
After all, if she is: 1) having trouble with her current boyfriend, and 2)
she's interested in you - then, why hasn't she made a move, or at least let you
know that she’s interested? You see, women control the speed and direction of
the relationship. That's just the way it is. Men have been falsely told that it
is THEY who do this. Wrong, my brother. Don't fall into that trap.
Ok, so are you doomed to admire her
from afar? No, but here's what you're going to have to do.
1) Get over the friendship. If you
are interested in pursing a relationship with her, you're going to first have
to give up the friendship. If you're not willing to do this, forget it.
2) Help her see her current
boyfriend's, er, problems! Well-placed phrases like, "Gee honey, you
really don't deserve that kind of treatment!", "You deserve so much
better than that!" and "You know, I'd never treat someone I loved
like that!", etc., will go a long way to driving the message home.
3) You've got to change her thinking. Women organize men into two
categories: boyfriends and everyone else. Right now, you're in the
"everyone else" category - right smack-dab where you don't want to
be! Thus, you've got to get her to start seeing you as boyfriend material.
How do you begin item #3? Simple -
start ACTING like the boyfriend. Call her up one day and say, "Hey - it's
me. I don't know what plans you have for Saturday night, but cancel them - I'm
taking you to a nice sunset dinner."
Be somewhat subtle, but firm. If she tells you she's got something else
planned, just repeat, "I don't care - just cancel it and I'll pick you up
at [whatever time]." Women absolutely LOVE this bold, powerful approach.
Believe me, I get letters from them everyday!
Two other points. First, don't take
her to a movie, concert or show on your first 3-4 dates. Why not? Because
you're going to use this time to talk to her. Not as her friend, but as her
lover. Find out about her deep-down. Get to know about her wants, her needs,
etc. Find out exactly what she DOESN'T like about her boyfriend, etc. In short
- focus on her.
The second point? Make sure you give
her at least a goodnight kiss! If you don't do this starting with your very
first date; she's going to think you've just become the very nice friend that
takes her to dinner - and you're back to square one. In fact, you're worse-off
than before! Also, if she balks, she's telling you that she doesn't see you
this way. Again - two choices: accept it and get scarce - give her time to miss
you and hopefully time to begin seeing the possibilities; or begin working to counter her reluctance. Say
things like, "I understand you don't see me this way YET - but I know you
very well, and this will be the cornerstone of our relationship."
Good luck, much love
Copyright (c) 2005, Dr. Dennis W. Neder
All rights reserved.
For more information about my book, "Being a Man in a Woman's World", visit:
P.O. Box 10702
Glendale, CA 91209-3702
Fax (818) 246-5431
About the author
uthor of: Being a Man in a Woman's World
Dedicated to advancing the arts and sciences of relationships.
Start having the relationships YOU deserve!
Got a love, relationship or man/woman question? I answer all letters. You
can write to me at firstname.lastname@example.org
for answers. For more information about my book, "Being a Man in a Woman's
World", visit: www.remingtonpublications.com