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Love & Dating

Help Me Please Mine!

 By Dennis, Dr. Neder
 "Being a Man in a Woman's World"

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I have been with my fiancée for about 2 years now and our love life has diminished. I care about nothing but pleasing her in bed. I want to know every fantasy (no matter how exotic), she has. I’ve tried talking to her about trying new things like using toys or lingerie, but she has no interest in any of these.

A few weeks ago I took her to an adult store for her first time and let her look around. I hinted a few things out that she might enjoy but it was useless. She was ready to leave immediately. I love her to death and want to be with her for eternity, but I want our love life to get better.

Lately she has been trying to make love more often to me than usual, but she always wants it her way, (missionary). I have tried ordering lovemaking videos to watch one time and she watched and that was that. I can’t even get her to look at nice softcore porn. Also, she loves for me to go down on her. I’ll go down on her for hours at a time until my lips are soar, and I cannot get her to go down on me. It’s like the joke around here. She refuses. I’ve tried everything even not mentioning it for 3-4 months but still nothing.

Could you please help?


Hello Tony!

This sounds like a case of "selfish lover" syndrome. Interestingly, it is more often men that do this!

By this I mean, she wants it when she wants it, how she wants it - or nothing. She doesn't sound likes she's interested in pleasing you in bed at all. Does she even bother to ask you if what she's doing is working for you?

As you're probably already aware, women's sexual response is much more complicated than men's. Further, her sex drive can vacillate all over the place - sometimes she's hot and other times she's just not interested.

Many times, women's sex drive is influenced by the relationship itself. If the relationship is good, and she feels loved, the sex is good. If the relationship isn't what she wants (or hopes for), the sex can suffer. Of course, I don't know enough about your relationship to say that this is the case, but it is a possibility.

Another thing that can cause sexual problems is outside relationships. I get many letters from guys where the sex has dried-up, or has just become boring only to find out she's actually seeing someone "on the side" and focusing her sexual energy there instead.

A final possibility is a chemical or emotional one. Many women get involved with relationships and gain weight, or just let themselves go. If she doesn't feel good about herself, she will tend to focus on things like, "I wonder if he thinks I'm fat", or "What if he just wants me for sex, but doesn't love me?", etc. Or, perhaps she's got some other things on her mind that she hasn't talked to you about.

Again, I don't know the particulars of your relationship, but it sounds like you don't know all of it either. I'd strongly recommend that you sit down, turn off the TV and have a long, heart-to-heart discussion. During this talk you want to express to her that you're dissatisfied with your sex life, and to find out how she feels about it too. There must be some common ground you can reach. If you can't find it, you may have to either move on, or find it elsewhere.

The real key here is to have that talk, and really get to the heart of the problem. Don't make assumptions - make discoveries.

Good luck, much love...

Copyright (c) 2005, Dr. Dennis W. Neder All rights reserved. Remington Publications For more information about my book, "Being a Man in a Woman's World", visit: P.O. Box 10702 Glendale, CA 91209-3702 (818) 246-2058 Fax (818) 246-5431
About the author
uthor of: Being a Man in a Woman's World
Dedicated to advancing the arts and sciences of relationships.
Start having the relationships YOU deserve!
Got a love, relationship or man/woman question? I answer all letters. You
can write to me at
for answers. For more information about my book, "Being a Man in a Woman's
World", visit:

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The real key here is to have that talk, and really get to the heart of the problem. Don't make assumptions - make discoveries.

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