I have been with my fiancée for about 2 years
now and our love life has diminished. I care about nothing but pleasing her in
bed. I want to know every fantasy (no matter how exotic), she has. I’ve tried
to her about trying new things like using toys or lingerie, but she has no
interest in any of these.
A few weeks ago I took her to an adult store for
her first time and let her look around. I hinted a few things out that she
might enjoy but it was useless. She was ready to leave immediately. I love her
to death and want to be with her for eternity, but I want our love life to get
Lately she has been trying to make love more
often to me than usual, but she always wants it her way, (missionary). I
have tried ordering lovemaking
videos to watch one time and she watched and that was that. I can’t even get
her to look at nice softcore porn. Also, she loves for me to go down on her.
I’ll go down on her for hours at a time until my lips are soar, and I cannot
get her to go down on me. It’s like the joke around here. She refuses. I’ve
tried everything even not mentioning it for 3-4 months but still nothing.
Could you please
This sounds like a case of "selfish
lover" syndrome. Interestingly, it is more often men that do this!
By this I mean, she wants it when she wants it,
how she wants it - or nothing. She doesn't sound likes she's interested in
pleasing you in bed at all. Does she even bother to ask you if what she's doing
As you're probably already aware, women's sexual
response is much more complicated than men's. Further, her sex drive can
vacillate all over the place - sometimes she's hot and other times she's just
Many times, women's sex drive is influenced by
the relationship itself. If the relationship is good, and she feels loved, the
sex is good. If the relationship isn't what she wants (or hopes for), the sex
can suffer. Of course, I don't know enough about your relationship to say that
this is the case, but it is a possibility.
Another thing that can cause sexual problems is
outside relationships. I get many letters from guys where the sex has dried-up,
or has just become boring only to find out she's actually seeing someone
"on the side" and focusing her sexual energy there instead.
A final possibility is a chemical or emotional
one. Many women get involved with relationships and gain weight, or just let
themselves go. If she doesn't feel good about herself, she will tend to focus on
things like, "I wonder if he thinks I'm fat", or "What if he
just wants me for sex, but doesn't love me?", etc. Or, perhaps she's got
some other things on her mind that she hasn't talked to you about.
Again, I don't know the particulars of your
relationship, but it sounds like you don't know all of it either. I'd strongly
recommend that you sit down, turn off the TV and have a long, heart-to-heart
discussion. During this talk you want to express to her that you're
dissatisfied with your sex life, and to find out how she feels about it too.
There must be some common ground you can reach. If you can't find it, you may
have to either move on, or find it elsewhere.
The real key here is to have that talk, and
really get to the heart of the problem. Don't make assumptions - make
Good luck, much love...
Copyright (c) 2005, Dr. Dennis W. Neder
All rights reserved.
For more information about my book, "Being a Man in a Woman's World", visit:
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Fax (818) 246-5431
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