I hope you can help! I have two questions:
1) I have just read your previous article, “How Not to Be At a Loss for Words”.
However, when I’m with a woman, I just CANNOT think of what to say. I wind up
just saying “uh-huh” much of the time and it just kills me. My friends say that
I'm a nice, funny guy. But around women, I just wind up being quiet. Any
suggestion is appreciated.
2) As a result of the above, I have never had a long-term relationship with a
woman – nothing beyond a few dates or one-night stands. The hardest part is
what to say to a date when they ask about past girlfriends. I certainly
don't want to say I've never had one. I'm 42 and am by no means a bad looking guy. In fact, many say I'm very good looking. I hope you can give me an answer what
to say in this situation. Obviously the whole situation puts my
confidence at close to zero.
Hello Talk Soup!
There is nothing so easy, nor so difficult as conversation. It's
easy when you understand WHY people communicate [insert suspenseful music
here], which I'll get to in a minute. It's difficult because few of us ever
learn this valuable key!
Next to my book, "Being a Man in a Woman's World",
(plug, plug!) the best book I've ever read is "How to Win Friends and
Influence People" by Dale Carnegie. The question should never be
"Have you read this book?" The question should be "How many
times have you read this book?" It is full of valuable insight and
understanding into this critical skill: learning to communicate.
Let me cut to the chase. The key to communicating with a woman (or
anyone else for that matter) is this: people are primarily interested in
themselves. Go back and re-read that sentence 3-4 times until it really sinks
in. This goes for you and me too! Everyone does the same thing: they spend 20%
of their time listening to you, and 80% thinking about their
own experiences related to what's being said. In fact, I'm not sure if women
don't spend 95% of their time on themselves!
Ok, knowing that key, here's how you use it. Your date is
interested in what? She's "...primarily interested in herself." Say
that to yourself a few times. I call this "knowing your customer". The
other key to all of this is "sell what your customer is buying!" If
she's interested in herself, then sell her that! When she talks about her work,
focus on her work. When she talks about her cat "Boots" focus on her
love of cats! When she talks about the rising price of latex, ask her about her
fetish wardrobe (well, not on the FIRST date!)
Here's a "dirty little secret" about the women we date:
if they're under 45, they likely haven't read a newspaper or seen a news
program in the past year. So, you can't talk about "current political
events". To them, a current event is the release of a new shade of
lipstick. And, let's face it; you probably aren't up to speed on this. So don't
try. Instead, learn to get HER TO DO THE TALKING. You're going to be amazed at
what a great conversationalist YOU'LL become when she rolls on for hours!
How do you do this? By learning to ask "open ended"
questions. You read my article, so you know what these are. If not, go back and
read it again. In fact, why not pick up a copy of my book, and get the whole
picture? It will also answer your second question.
So, when she starts telling you about that "luscious"
shade of lavender that Eve Whoever just released, you ask her,
"So, why does lavender work with your skin tone?" When she tells
you that Boots scared off her last boyfriend by using his leg as a scratching
pole, ask her, "Where did you get your love of animals?" Practice
this - you can get so good at it, you can keep her talking all night long
- right up to your bedroom!
Regarding your second question, here's my rule: never cop to
ANYTHING about your love life. Period. Believe me, it'll come back to haunt you
and no good will ever come of it! So, here's what I do. Now, understand, I've
dated A LOT. I've had many, many girlfriends and many more lovers. I'm not
bragging here (ok, maybe a little!) But my point is this: I sure as hell don't
want to tell any girl about my love life, and frankly, they don't want to hear
So, when they ask about your previous love life, do what I do.
Say, "Oh, there have been HUN-DREDS!"
Then roll your eyes, smile, and go back to the above rule - ask her about
hers! Say, "What about YOU? How many have YOU had?" (Note:
women almost NEVER tell the truth here). And let her ramble on. After awhile
this becomes a game to see how long you can keep her going. More important,
you're gathering valuable information all the while. Use this information to
determine if SHE'S good enough to be around YOU!
Once you master all of this, you're going to find that your
confidence will grow as well. You'll begin to learn that YOU really can have
power over the women you date! Believe me, this isn't just a confidence builder
- it's an aphrodisiac!
Good luck, much love...
Copyright (c) 2005, Dr. Dennis W. Neder
All rights reserved.
For more information about my book, "Being a Man in a Woman's World", visit:
P.O. Box 10702
Glendale, CA 91209-3702
Fax (818) 246-5431
About the author
uthor of: Being a Man in a Woman's World
Dedicated to advancing the arts and sciences of relationships.
Start having the relationships YOU deserve!
Got a love, relationship or man/woman question? I answer all letters. You
can write to me at firstname.lastname@example.org
for answers. For more information about my book, "Being a Man in a Woman's
World", visit: www.remingtonpublications.com