Hi Dr. Neder,
I really enjoy your articles; they
help me out quite a bit, thank you!
I have a question that concerns my
friends and my ex. I met a nice girl and
we hit it off quite well to the point we decided to see each other exclusively. Unfortunately, things didn't work out and
after two months of trying to be boyfriend/girlfriend, we split up and haven't
talked to each other since.
My friends got along well with my
ex and they all commented how disappointed they were that we couldn't be
together. But it got to the point that
they asked me for her phone number so they can go out and do stuff
together. I gave out her number with
reluctance but I never vocalized it at that time.
Now, my ex is seeing someone new
and some of my friends have met him and think he's terrific. They don't talk about it with me directly,
but when we're in a group atmosphere or whatever they go on and on about how
wonderful this guy is.
I'll be honest. I don't like this at all! I don't have any problems with any of ex's
going out again, but do I really have to be subject to it? Do I have to be reminded about my failed
romance all the time? I feel like my
friends are betraying me in a way, once I spoke out and said I didn't really
want to hear about it, but they just reply to grow up and get over it
already. I feel like I'm being compared
and I'm coming out on the losing end.
Do I have a right to feel this
way? I just don't think my friends are
truly acting like my friends.
I appreciate any insight you may
What kind of friends are these?
Not the kind worthy of your friendship in my opinion!
What the hell are THEY thinking?
They obviously don't respect you or your friendship with them. Why would they:
1) ask for her number; 2) spend even a single moment with her and 3) talk about
her and her new boyfriend in front of you? It's not you that needs to grow up -
There is nothing more important to
us men than our friends. If we treat them right, our friends will be there
through our dates, girlfriends, and ex- (or present) wives, and they'll
understand when things go wrong as it did with this woman. Further, our friends
will be there for us when we're ready to go "back out on the hunt" to
find the next one. They'll understand that male friends help THEM get dates
too. In my opinion, these guys have lost one of theirs. Worse yet, they don't
understand the value of their friends.
Friendship in many ways is much
more important that a relationship with a woman. Your male friends understand
you in a way that your girlfriends never will. They see who you are without all
the added emotionality and embellishment that women bring. They are critical,
but that criticalness helps us to be better men. Next to our fathers, our
friends are our greatest opportunity to learn to be the men that we are. If I
were stuck in a Mexican prison one day, I'd call my best friend to help before
I called a girlfriend!
What's the primary difference between
your male buddy and your girlfriend? You and your buddy can sit on the couch
and watch a ball game without speaking a word for 2 hours and not think your
relationship is in jeopardy!
Here's a little rule I follow.
When I first meet a woman for the first 5-6 dates, I don't introduce her to my
friends, family, business associates, etc. No exceptions. I see this as a
reward for being a good girlfriend and a critical step in our relationship. I'm
very interested in meeting hers however, although I don't push her on the issue
as I respect her privacy as well. Here's a little secret that most women
understand but few men seem to: if she can bond with your friends, she can much
more easily control YOU through them.
In my book, "Being a Man in a
Woman's World", I talk about the value of male friends. I suggest you pick
up a copy of it and commit it to memory. Then, pick up a copy for your friends
and give it to them with a copy of this letter. It will be your last,
magnanimous gesture to your parting friendship! Then, find some friends worthy
Good luck, much love...
Copyright (c) 2005, Dr. Dennis W. Neder
All rights reserved.
For more information about my book, "Being a Man in a Woman's World", visit:
P.O. Box 10702
Glendale, CA 91209-3702
Fax (818) 246-5431
About the author
uthor of: Being a Man in a Woman's World
Dedicated to advancing the arts and sciences of relationships.
Start having the relationships YOU deserve!
Got a love, relationship or man/woman question? I answer all letters. You
can write to me at firstname.lastname@example.org
for answers. For more information about my book, "Being a Man in a Woman's
World", visit: www.remingtonpublications.com