Should Women Fake It?
Learning how to establish a healthy sexual relationship.
(Black Leather Couch Tales)
By Devlyn Steele
As soon as Chelsea walked in, she plopped down on the couch and announced, “I am so frustrated.”
“Hello Chelsea,” I said.
Ignoring my greeting altogether, she continued, “No really, Coach, I am.”
few months earlier, Chelsea, a successful, attractive and very fit
thirty-something lawyer, had been involved in a serious quest for a
good, long-term relationship. She was in my office explaining how hard
it had been to find a man of similar goals and values given her busy
lifestyle. I had encouraged her to try online dating. I pointed out
that it would be an effective method of connecting with a large number
of men that fit her criteria, in the shortest amount of time, with
“Chelsea, please explain,” I replied, taking to her cue to skip the formalities and get right to the point.
really did it," she continued, "I changed my pattern, followed your
steps, went online and approached my search with a new set of
guidelines. I can tell you, it worked! I found the right guy.”
Ben is a wonderful man. He’s everything I could have hoped for. We have
fun together and can agree on just about everything. He’s already my
best friend. I even waited this time and didn’t rush into sex.”
She hesitated. I waited for her to continue.
”That’s where the problem comes up, Coach. I don’t know what to do. Like I said, I’m frustrated...the sex is not so good. It’s
terrible because everything else about our relationship is perfect. I
can truly see us building a happy life together.” Then, after a pensive
pause, “I’m thinking maybe I should just fake it. The sex should get better, right? Isn’t it ok to fake it for now?”
is one of countless women who resort to “faking it” to fool their
partners into believing they enjoy lovemaking when they actually do not. Why do so many women feel they have to pretend to enjoy sex instead of actually being able to enjoy it?
women simply don’t have orgasms and they feel insecure about it. This
is usually the result of growing up with a feeling of shame and guilt
about sexuality. From a very young age, girls are sent pretty clear
messages that discourage them from expressing and/or fully exploring
this aspect of themselves. Consequently, many women have to learn that
it is good to get in touch with their bodies on an intimate level and
learn how to be turned on. Only then can true sexual enjoyment be experienced.
contribute to this problem with their own insecurity and lack of a
basic understanding of how women function sexually. Since so many men
measure their very degree of “maleness” by their sexual prowess, it has
become well established that giving a woman an orgasm is a defining
element in what we call manhood. The problem is that when a woman cares
enough about a man to become intimate with him, she usually cares
enough about his ego to feel incredible pressure to make him believe
she thoroughly enjoys sex with him. Some woman experiencing the need to
please a man’s ego report faking orgasms “just to end the incessant
should understand that every sexual encounter will not lead to her
having an orgasm, and that it is ok. Not having an orgasm does not mean
she did not find the experience pleasurable. Relieving her of this
pressure will allow her to become more relaxed and more receptive, thus
leading to more orgasms!
know most men would never admit it publicly, but many could benefit
from learning more about how to please women. It is probably a good
idea to start by letting go of the notion that the only way a woman can
be stimulated to a climax is by way of intercourse. In fact, only about
30% of women can experience orgasm with intercourse alone. That leaves
a staggering majority of women who require other forms of stimulation.
could go on in great detail about this particular issue because it is
truly at the heart of so many of these problems. Chelsea’s problems
were rooted elsewhere.
on her own accounts, Chelsea placed too heavy an importance on creating
the “perfect” relationship. She went on and on about what a perfect
match she and Ben were. By wanting something so much can create fear
and anxiety not allowing you to relax. Nonetheless,
Chelsea’s attention became so focused on how perfect their lovemaking
should be, that her own natural ability to enjoy the exquisite
pleasures of intimacy was severely hampered. To Chelsea, any problem
that could taint this otherwise perfect relationship had to be
squelched by a quick solution: Fake orgasms. Problem solved. Forgetting that a long-term relationship needs to be built on a solid foundation.
In his 1996 book, Contemporary Interpersonal Theory and Research,
Donald Kiesler provided us with a behavior concordance model which
explains the Interpersonal Reflex Principle. This basically states that
much of our interpersonal behavior is designed to elicit predictable
responses from those with whom we interact. These actions put into
motion a cycle where one’s behavior is constantly confirming,
recognizing, validating and influencing the behavior of others. Sounds
complicated but it is not. In essence we are training people what we
like and don’t like.
dog, for example, repeats good behavior rewarded. However, if you
reward a dog for unwanted behavior like begging at the table, the dog
will repeat that behavior and always beg. To fake an orgasm is to
confirm to your partner that what they were doing was good. This
creates a positive feeling in your partner and they will do more of the
same. Unlike the dog, training your partner to perform this trick will
not leave you begging for more.
to break the cycle will confuse your partner creating doubt. Your
partner will lose confidence and never know when to trust you, is he
pleasing you or not? When this happens sex will only get worse and the relationship strained.
“To answer the question should women fake it? No! Never fake it.”
as much as we would like them to, do not just go away. The longer you
go without confronting and handling them, the bigger they become.
Sexual dissatisfaction is one of the leading causes of couples
splitting up. The number one reason for sexual dissatisfaction is lack
of communication. Forgoing communication and
opting to simply fake it will only widen the gap between you two and
ultimately ruin the relationship.
is vital that you develop a level of communication with your partner
that allows for frank and honest about sex talk. But, how do you tell
your partner what turns you on? First set the ground rules between
yourselves that sex talk is healthy, fun and in no way to be taken in
an offensive manner, then:
Talk during sex. Don’t
be afraid of hurting your partner’s ego by taking the time to teach
them what brings you the most pleasure. Men in particular are very
eager and happy students in this area. Just relax. It is ok to ask, “Do
you like this?” or “How does this feel?” By all
means, if you are asked such questions, be honest with your answers:
“Yes, that feels good.” or, “I liked it when you did this instead” and,
“It really turns me on when you do this.” Never
ask after sex, “Was it good?” I can tell you that no one likes to be
asked this question. File it under the same category as “Do I look fat
Talk about sex when you are not having sex.
Ask questions and keep learning more about each other. Tell each other
your fantasies and be willing to explore them, within reason. Opening
and maintaining these communication lines will make you both more
comfortable about the subject. Talking can also serve to build
excitement as prolonged foreplay.
Buy books and explore together.
Here is another peculiar aspect. We want sex, think about sex and are
bombarded with it all over television, movies and advertisements.
Oddly, very few of us study anything about it. A man will invest an
exorbitant amount of time learning the parts of an engine or memorizing
sports stats, but spends zero time learning about the female orgasm.
Both women and men should take every opportunity to become students of
sex together. Not only is it very sexy to learn together, you will both
benefit from it greatly in the long run.
you are in a relationship, starting a new one, or looking to get into
one, learn that ultimately communication is the key to building a
healthy and enjoyable sex life together. Let us do away with this
notion that it is somehow wrong or shameful to talk openly about sex or
that you can offend each other. I find it interesting that couples can
be intimate with each other, yet feel uncomfortable discussing the
intimacy. So, talk, learn, teach and, most importantly, have fun!
About the Author...
Devlyn Steele ("America''s Leading Life-Coach") is a Relationship Coach, Life Coach.A Columnist as well as radio host. Devlyn has also developed ToolsToLife.com. OnlineDatingKit.com
teaches Internet daters the skills they need to find their perfect
matches on their own and offers a complementary e-book at no cost on “How To Choose The Right Dating Site For You.”
About the Author...
Devlyn Steele ("America''s Leading Life-Coach") is a Relationship Coach, Life Coach.A Columnist as well as radio host. Devlyn has also developed ToolsToLife.com. OnlineDatingKit.com teaches Internet daters the skills they need to find their perfect matches on their own and offers a complementary e-book at no cost on “How To Choose The Right Dating Site For You.”
About the author