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I'm currently a sophomore in college. Back in high school, I met this
girl that I really liked. Though we never saw each other outside of
school, we would always talk and have a good time in class.
During our senior year I tried desperately to ask her out - not on a
“date-date” but just to hang out - but I could never find the right
opportunity. Finally, that year I asked her to the prom, but she
already had a date (doh!).
Later, I told her how I felt about her, but her response wasn't very
enthusiastic. This was confusing to me because whenever we went
somewhere together, we always had a terrific time. For instance: one
time while we were at Pizza Hut, the waitress kept stopping by our
booth to talk to us - not to ask us if we needed anything, but because
she thought we were a fun couple. Also, when I took her to my church,
everyone, including my aunt and grandfather, thought that she was my
girlfriend. I guess it was how she acted around me (picking lint out of
my hair, sitting really close, etc.).
Things changed a couple of months before graduation. She invited this
guy to go bowling with us and my other friends. Two years later, they
are a couple and I'm out in the cold.
I was a gentleman to say the least, but I also was her friend. We
enjoyed each other’s company before, and she still likes it when I call
her, but her actions indicate to me that she never even considered a
romantic relationship between us.
I've invested at least three years in tempting her to like me, but it seems my effort was in vain. Why didn’t it work?
Rich – who wants to know where he went wrong
Rather than “hanging out” and playing friend with this girl for three
years, your time would have been better spent by simply asking her out
on a “date-date” the day you two met (Just think of all the ladies you
missed out on during those three years!). Well, that’s why I’m here,
Rich - I want to make sure that you don’t make mistakes like this again.
When you asked Miss Right to the prom, and she didn’t counteroffer with
an encouraging suggestion like “Let’s go out together next Friday - for
sure,” it meant that you two had no future together. If the
significance of this event was lost on you at that moment, then her
subsequent indifference about your crush should have driven the point
home. I’m sorry it didn’t.
You thought that after she rebuffed your advances, you could play
friend for a while and later switch to the boyfriend track. Though this
works in soap operas and in mushy movies, it never works in real life.
Why not? Because once a woman decides that you’re not her type, this
verdict is marked indelibly on her heart. Let me show you why.
When a woman first meets a man, she gives him what I call The Physical
Attraction Test. With one look, she instantly decides whether or not a
man could be her “type.” She bases her assessment on her personal
standards of male attractiveness - for instance, she may find men with
black hair appealing, but not blondes; or, she may not mind a guy’s
bald head, but short guys don’t have a chance with her.
Once the woman decides that a man has successfully passed The Physical
Attraction Test (according to The “System,” this would put her Interest
Level at 51% or higher), then he has successfully cleared the first
hurdle toward getting her home phone number. In order to make her final
decision, the woman examines the man’s verbal and nonverbal cues. I
call this last step: The Confirmation Test.
Before the woman gives a green light to a man’s advances, she
instinctively looks for the three C’s of male desirability: confidence,
(self-) control and Challenge. Again - depending on her personal
standards, the woman may grade the man up or down in each of these
categories due to his personality – so if a man’s talkative and she
prefers talkative men, she may conclude that: he’s comfortable around
people, he’s daring, and he has a commanding presence. On the other
hand, if she prefers the silent type, she might consider the same man a
nervous, babbling, attention-seeker.
The Confirmation Test is the woman’s way of seeing whether a man’s
personality matches his looks. With this last step completed, the
woman’s mind is made about the man – forever.
Rich, your girl gave you The Physical Attraction Test and The
Confirmation Test long ago, and though she thought you were pleasant
enough for a friendship, you didn’t make the dating cut.
You assumed that you could change Miss Right’s mind about you over
time. What you didn’t realize is that once the female’s romantic
suitability tests are given, the scores are cast in stone. Neither
“tempting” her to like you nor showing her what a good guy you are make
any difference. In fact, nothing can affect a woman’s Interest Level at
this point – that is, except telling her you won the lottery!
As you can see - it doesn’t matter if everyone, including your dog,
thinks you and this girl look good together; what matters is whether or
not she thinks you two look good together. The most important
determinant in female attraction is not your feelings – nor anyone
else’s feelings. Only the woman’s feelings count.
Assuming what I said is true, Rich, can you see why trying to change
Miss Right’s mind about you by being her friend is a complete waste of
time? You may get her to like you more as a friend, but she will never
consider you a boyfriend.
It’s obvious that your girl is comfortable around you - by itself, this
is a positive sign. Unfortunately, comfort - while a necessary
ingredient of love - is not sufficient. I just wish your girl thought a
little bit more about your comfort before she invited the other guy to
go bowling with you two. This, by the way, illustrates one of the other
pitfalls of the playing the friend: you end up meeting the new
Rich, it’s time to move on and collect new home phone numbers. I would
try asking out the waitress you mentioned - perhaps she was the one you
should have spent all this time with!
Remember, guys: Men do the picking, but women do the choosing. The most
a man can do is put his best foot forward and then ask for the home
phone number - anything beyond this is just wasted effort. As the old
Chinese proverb says: “No use running if on wrong road, Grasshopper!”
To send me your love questions or to find out more about The “System,” visit me at http://www.doclove.com Doc Love is a talk show host and entertainment speaker who coaches men in his seminars. For the past 30 years he has asked thousands of women, “Why do you stay with one man versus another?”
© Copyright DocLove DotCom
About the author
Doc Love is a talk show host and entertainment speaker who coaches men in
his seminars. For the past 30 years he has asked thousands of women, "Why do
you stay with one man versus another?"
Guys, e-mail me at firstname.lastname@example.org
with your love challenges. All will be answered, but because of space, only
letters of general interest will be printed. To find out more about The
"System" visit me at: www.doclove.com or
(800) 404-2644. Doc Love is a talk show host and entertainment speaker who
coaches men in his seminars. For the past 30 years he has asked thousands of
women, "Why do you stay with one man versus another?"
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|Before the woman gives a green light to a man’s advances, she instinctively looks for the three C’s of male desirability: confidence, (self-) control and Challenge.
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