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|Here are three ideas about complimenting women that I'd like to address:|
1) The idea that women love to be complimented.
2) The idea that women spend all of the time and energy getting ready and fixing themselves up because they want compliments.
3) The difference between complimenting a "special" girl and complimenting just any girl.
Here are a few things to keep in mind as you read my commentary on this letter and these different topics:
1) We humans (and I'm talking about women in particular here) don't always realize what we really want.
2) We humans don't like to admit what's really going on inside of us because it can be irrational and illogical.
3) It's very important to realize that there is a critical difference
between a girl you've just met or have dated a few times and a special
girl in your life.
So let's talk about the topics individually...
The idea that women love to be complimented
Do women love to be complimented?
I think so.
In fact, I think that many really attractive women feed off of
attention and compliments. The more attention and compliments they get,
the better and more powerful they feel. It's an ego boost.
But... and it's a Butttt bigger than J-Lo's, this doesn't mean that a
woman will feel attracted to you if you give her compliments.
Attractive women get compliments in various forms all the time. In
fact, they're so used to getting compliments that it's what they
expect. As a matter of fact, if you start talking to an attractive
woman and say "Wow, you're really beautiful. I mean, you're like a
goddess... are you a model or an actress?" etc. the most likely
response you're going to get is her giving you the cold shoulder.
Because she got what she needed from you, and you showed her that
you're just like every other guy out there that will worship her for
her physical beauty.
As a general rule, you always want to avoid being mentally slotted into
the "average" and "like all the other guys" category at all cost.
Now, I have started conversations by giving a woman a compliment, but I never let it become part of the
actual conversation. If anything, I begin teasing and making fun of her
looks as soon as possible if she's really hot-looking. And I never give
the compliment in a way that says "I'm intimidated because you're
obviously very powerful and desirable."
On to idea #2...
Women spend all of the time and energy getting ready, fixing themselves up and dressing sexy to get compliments
About 4 or 5 years ago when I was first learning about how to be
successful with women, a good friend of mine said something that
totally shocked me.
He said: "Women don't dress up for men, they dress up for each other."
I was stunned.
I couldn't understand the logic behind this for the life of me. It still makes me shake my head when I think about it.
As it so happens, I have lived in Southern California for a few years
(San Diego and Los Angeles). This is a place where beautiful women from
all over the world come to seek fame and fortune.
I have been able to see things and learn things here that it would have
taken much longer to learn if I had lived in other places, because I
can see how attractive women interact with each other more often.
If you put a group of attractive women together in a club or bar, and
watch them carefully, you'll see something interesting begin to
The women will start doing "catty" things, like looking each other up
and down with disgusted looks, making negative comments to their
friends about how other women look, and trying to intimidate other
women with their eyes.
Most men would never notice this subtle communication that's going on between women, but if you look for it, you'll find it.
The fact is that women don't like to compete with each other on the football field, they compete to be the most attractive.
Men could really care less what a woman is wearing or how she's dressed
for the most part. Sure, it's nice to see a woman dressed well, but
it's just not that important. But for women it's a whole different
Women, and especially attractive women, don't like the idea that
another woman is getting more attention than her. And women can tell
very quickly if another woman is more attractive... this leads to
"bitch looks", negative comments, and other amazing displays.
To summarize, women don't spend a lot of time fixing themselves up to
get compliments, they do it to compete with and impress other women.
Ask a few attractive, well-dressed women about this and they'll tell
Finally, point #3...
The difference between complimenting a girl you don't know very well and a "special" girl
My topic is women and dating.
Women and dating.
It's not "women you're in a relationship with" or "special girls" or
anything of the sort. After you've gone out with a woman for a few
months or so, and she proves to you beyond the shadow of a doubt that
she's a great PERSON, then I think it's great to consider making her
your "special girl."
And yes, the dynamics change at that point. You can be nicer... you can
be more complimentary... you can do more thoughtful things... At this
stage this kind of thing will have a different meaning (But don't ever
turn into a wussy!).
But as I just mentioned, if you start talking to an attractive woman,
and you immediately start with the "You are beautiful and I'm not
worthy" routine, you shoot yourself in the foot.
There's a huge opportunity in these first-meeting situations, but most
guys never even consider it because it's not what comes natural.
The thing to do when you meet an attractive woman is to actually tease
and bust on her a bit, rather than giving her compliments.
This effectively scrambles her whole program and causes her to lose her
composure. It takes her off guard and shakes her out of her world... so
you can actually have a conversation.
Remember the Mailbag recently with the guy who walks up to women and
says "Your fly is open", then walks away? The woman always comes and
finds him to say "You're a JERK!"... and then he laughs at her... and
the woman winds up going out with him.
Do you think it would work the same way if he walked up to women and said "You're amazingly beautiful" and then walked away?
I think not.
So, in summary, you're right... women do in fact like compliments. But
if you want to make a woman feel that magical feeling of attraction for
you, then you might think twice about giving them too early on. Women
like compliments that they have to work for a lot more than the ones
that just come to them.
...and if you're reading this right now and thinking to yourself "You
know, I need to learn this stuff about how to meet and attract women so
I can get rid of that insecure and fearful feeling I have", then you're
I think that every man should invest in himself, and learn this skill.
Unfortunately, most guys never take the time and invest in
themselves... and they wind up going their whole lives WISHING that
they could attract the kinds of women that they want.
Well, I used to be one of the guys who didn't know what he was doing
with women. Now I'm one of the guys who can go out anytime, in any
situation and attract women. What's the difference?
I took the time to learn.
And if you'd like to learn, then I recommend you learn the things that
I learned first. It's taken me a long time to figure all this stuff
out, and it's also taken a lot of time, effort, and energy on my part
to put it all down on paper and on audio and video... so that any guy
can learn from the things I've discovered.
I'd like to personally invite you to check out my materials.
Where, you say?
I thought you'd never ask...
You can read more at this website: DatingDummies.com
Copyright 2005 David DeAngelo Communications Inc., All Rights Reserved. Double Your Dating and David DeAngelo are trademarks of David DeAngelo Communications Inc.
About the author
TheReachOnline.com's head editor has branched into the advice area. He's
prepared to offer opinions and advice for your personal, relationship and
lifestyle conundrums. While he is not a professional councilor, Rob has been
around the block and does like to share from his vast experiences.
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